Losing Grip

Have you ever wanted something so bad but felt like you can’t achieve it? The light at the end of the tunnel is too far away, and by the time you get anywhere near it will be too late. That is how I feel.

My once positive attitude, excitement and thrill to move forward and get into a healthy lifestyle has slowly deteriorated in the last few months. I’ve eaten badly, hardly worked out and have put weight back on. My previous success has literally been a waste.

Due to the expense of seeing PT, I have had to put that to a halt. Something which I really didn’t want to do, but at around £400 a month, I just couldn’t keep paying that amount with the slow (even though positive) results.

Since stopping my visits to PT, I haven’t really bothered with any sort of regime or fitness plan. I keep saying “I will start..” whether it be tomorrow, Monday or next Monday, that tomorrow never seems to come and that Monday might as well be Monday the 30th February because it doesn’t seem to roll around.

I literally have no one to blame but myself. I feel so angry and sad on a daily basis with letting a lot of people down. It’s the most horrid feeling ever. I have it in my mind what I need to do, what I have to do, but I just can’t seem to do it. I find excuses and reasons as why not too, and even if they are valid reasons, I’m only lying and making myself suffer more. Its really annoying and pathetic, I know.

What do I do?! What’s wrong with me? Without sounding too dramatic, I don’t actually enjoy my life anymore. Its boring, repetitive and even the most exciting and enjoyable moments are things I hate doing.

My weight isn’t to blame for all of this though, even though it is a key factor in all this. My anxiety and depressive thoughts have recently made a comeback, and I feel I’ve hit a brick wall at what to do. My GP wasn’t much help when I went to see him last year. I felt like I was made to shut up with a few leaflets and a CD of whale music. Pathetic and pointless.

I need to do so much, and I need to do it quick. I need to make changes and I need to make them now.

How though? How do something I want but can’t seem to make myself do it?

I’m the actual worst. 😩😔

What does one do?!

Have any of you come to lunch time, the clocks hit 12:30pm, and you don’t feel hungry? Give it until 1:30, maybe I’ll feel hungry and want something to eat.

It’s now twenty minutes to three and I’ve just made a cup of tea and don’t fancy eating anything. Is this bad? What should do I do? Force feed or just wait and eat when hungry? I know I will be hungry later on, so I will obviously have my evening meal, but wondering if any of you skip meals, and what do you do in between?

Let me know if you have any tips!

B x

Can I get a tea?

Let’s start again;

Can I get a tea please? Milk, no sugar.

Keep wanting to buy new clothes, but as things get looser, is it a waste of money if (hopefully) I won’t be wearing them soon? Do I just keep wearing the same things until I can buy smaller fitting clothes? Dilemma. Anyone else been through this? Shall I buy or wait?

jamnstones asked:
How have you been?

On and off - getting myself back on track though. Anyone who says this is easy lied - hardest thing I’ve ever done but determination and not giving up is key!

Try.

"Just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try, try, try."

Hello? Is this thing on?

Wow, not posted in nearly a month! Gosh it’s been a while. Normally, I would blame my lack of regular posting on having no time, having internet troubles at home, being too busy to even think about writing up a blog or that I was snowed under with work that I just simply couldn’t. All these factors are somewhat true - but I’ve always said I’m going to be straight up throughout this blog for everyone to get a true honest account of what I go through in my process, and to be really honest with you all, the main reason I haven’t written a post in so long is me being lazy. I can’t blame anything or anyone but my self and my lazy ways. Truth is, I’ve been really unmotivated, haven’t felt the energy to give anything my all and even though I haven’t fallen off the wagon of healthy eating completely, I have had moments of weakness, which was bound to happen. Am I ashamed? Nope. Do I feel guilty? Of course. Can I honestly say this won’t happen again? Definitely not. 

A mixture of long working hours, feeling very stressed and anxious about random things have had me reaching for sugary drinks, the odd biscuit or bit of comfort food to keep me happy. These dark wintery nights certainly don’t help! I’ve tried to plan meals and at times this has worked, but after a long day, I feel so tired that I’ll just skip a meal or have what everyone else is having. Its easier said than done, but I really need to find my spark, find my motivation and buzz. 

I keep asking where it all went downhill - and I can’t really see where or what happened. I’ve struggled to find time to see PT, and even though I’m seeing him tomorrow, I know it will feel like week one all over again because of the huge gap of time since I saw him last. It’s been nearly two weeks since I had a session, and even though I did well, two weeks is a long time for anyone to go without having that support and motivation. Also, for the first time through out my sessions with PT, I’m actually scared about tomorrow mornings session, so much to the point that I don’t even want to go. I didn’t even feel like this the very first time I went - so I definitely realise I need to dig my self out of a hole, but at the moment, I just haven’t got the tools or energy to be digging for that long. 

I feel I’ve let a lot of people down by not blogging as regular, and slipping on the odd occasion, but I know I need to, no, HAVE TO get back on track and get that focus and excitement back. I used to be excited about PT sessions, writing posts and creating up new healthy smoothies and recipes. What happened? This is the biggest wall I think I’ve ever hit. Normally though, this would be it. With Weight Watchers, Cambridge and all those other random diets I used to try, this would be the point where I would quit and end it all with a big fat kebab and bow out of the lifestyle change in true fat form. I’m determined not to be beaten and broken by this lapse though. Not this time. 

See you tomorrow PT, I’m scared, will definitely hate it and will probably moan I’m tired, sore and ache after it - but I’m going to go. Push through, fight and come out, hopefully recharged, on top and in fighting spirit. 

Back to square one? No. Maybe square four or five. A long way from that one hundred, but believe this, I’m coming for it.

B x

*CURRENTLY HAVING TROUBLE ACCESSING THE INTERNET AT HOME SO HARD TO WRITE A BLOG AND DO REGULAR POSTS FROM MY PHONE - Will be back soon, promise!*

"The ones who say “YOU CAN’T” and “YOU WON’T” are probably the ones scared that YOU WILL"

Me, Myself and I

"After all the rain, you’ll see the sun come out again."

This week has not been the best. You will notice I’ve not posted in a few days and that is honestly because I’ve recently lost my spark due to some personal issues which have made me physically and emotionally drained this week. Even though I haven’t eaten badly, I have done little to no exercise and I’ve really felt it. I planned to be super healthy, over active and in general have a superb week, but this was not the case. 

I’ve had very little appetite this week so I’ve skipped certain meals, haven’t been getting in my fruit and vegetables and also not drank strictly water. I’ve relied on squash and fruit juices a lot this week. I hadn’t seen PT in over a week and I knew I just needed a push, some motivation and a kick up my backside to get in to gear again. 

My personal issues that I faced this week held me back and they shouldn’t have done. I’ve let people get me down in the past. These people have dragged me to the very lowest of moods and the darkest places I’ve ever been emotionally, and I will be damned if I let them get me there again. I’m brushing off the last week and getting back on that ladder of success. Nothing and no one will stop me - not after I have come so far already.

I saw PT today after just over a week. I was so nervous. I had the feeling that I was going in for the first time again and that I would have to start all over. I explained about my rough week and that I had lost some spark and motivation and I think PT was prepared for me to be a bit slow and take things easier. Was this the case? NO! Without even trying to sound like a cocky so and so, I smashed it! I have never left a gym or session feeling so proud of myself!

I upped my game on weights, going extra levels higher and even doing more reps. Even though it hurt, I pushed myself, controlled my breathing and smashed through the wall that was telling me “no you can’t do this” - I felt so great. I also continued from my previous sessions where PT has me doing a walking and step challenge. My walking challenge is basically walking from one side of a room to the other twenty times to see how long it will take me. I can’t remember my exact times, but PT will email me the details and I will of course share that with you all so you can see my progress. My proudest moment today came with the step challenge though. I hate the stepper - always have and maybe always will. PT sets me a weekly challenge to see how many steps I can do in a minute. On my first attempt in week one, I got twenty steps followed by twenty two steps in week two. After my fail of a week, I thought I’d probably match the first week or get close to it. Proud to say I SMASHED IT and stepped TWENTY SEVEN times in one minute. I was so out of breath and I was feeling the work I had put in, but when PT told me the magic number, I was so shocked and pleased with myself. My bad week didn’t mean I had a bad session and my previous hard work wasn’t wasted. This definitely motivated me and I can’t wait for the next session on Wednesday to see if I can beat it. 

After my gym session, we had a little chat about personal targets and about what I would like to achieve soon. I told PT that I would, one day, like to do a marathon of some sort. Whether it be 5k, 10k or whatever, I just want to do one just to have the opportunity to up middle finger those who never thought I’d be able too. After today, seeing how I pushed myself further in the three weeks, I honestly think it is a possibility. It may take a year, it may take two - but I don’t care because that day will come.

After the week I’ve had, I really needed that session today. I have my focus back. I’ve realised that no one deserves to hold me back from achieving my goal - I’m doing this for me and I deserve it. I’m doing this for ME, MYSELF and I. 

B x

Anonymous asked:
Keep up the hard work Bally! I feel you are inspiring many x

Thank you! Been a tough few days, but these little messages are a nice boost :-) x

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